There are many outside factors that influence the choices we make and how we parent. In our class last week, we looked at some of the societal influences, particularly within the context of gender, that may be influencing our choices, perspective, and well being. The Happiness GapWe examined a graph which represented the happiness levels of people before and after they had children. This study focused on 22 English speaking countries and found that the United States had the largest happiness disparity between non-parents and parents. According to the studies findings, "The negative effects of parenthood on happiness were entirely explained by the presence or absence of social policies allowing parents to better combine paid work with family obligations. And this was true for both mothers and fathers. Countries with better family policy “packages” had no happiness gap between parents and non-parents." As a whole, our class also agreed that our country does little support families, which can lead to a feeling of isolation, financial constraint, and overwhelm. The Mental LoadWe continued our discussion by comparing the societal expectations of men and women in their roles as parents. This was the list our class generated: MEN/FATHERS
WOMEN/MOTHERS
Both men and women carry heavy pressures to perform and succeed in our country. In our class and based off the lists we created, we spent time thinking about which parent carries the majority of the mental load. The mental load is the need to remember: the baby just moved to size 3-6 month, we need to schedule the kid's doctor appointment, we ran out of mustard, we need to get groceries, we need to eat dinner, the laundry needs to be done and put away, the cat ran out of food, my partner needs snacks for their trip, we're hosting our friends next week... etc. The work of remembering is often held by women or the stay-at-home parent, and it takes a lot of conversation about roles and expectations to ensure the mental load feels evenly distributed between providers. The mental load was amazingly captured in this cartoon if you're looking to learn more about it. Maternal GatekeepingWhile women often carrying the responsibility of the mental load, it comes at little surprise they begin to feel defensive and protective of their duties, their "work." According to research performed at Ohio State University, "Children and families benefit when fathers are more involved in childrearing. However, even as fathers have increased their involvement in childrearing over time, fathers’ involvement remains much lower than mothers’, especially when children are very young. One possible explanation for this childrearing gap is maternal gatekeeping – maternal behaviors and attitudes that may support or limit father involvement in childrearing" You may be gatekeeping if you catch yourself saying things like
A Challenge for You
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Introducing food is such an exciting time! It can also be a challenge to manage all the varying perspectives around health and nutrition. As a reminder, please consult your doctor before making any substantial changes or introducing foods for the first time. Particularly, see how they feel about allergen foods given your family history and needs. Who is in Control?Eating is a personal responsibility. According to family wellness expert, Ellyn Satter, parents should take control over the when and the what. In other words, your job is to control the eating schedule (example: my child eats around 9am for breakfast and 1pm for lunch), and you decide what is on the plate (example: today my child will eat avocados and blueberries). Your child's responsibility is to decide if and how much. Our children might decide to boycott food. They might decide to eat 6 helpings. Our job is not to tell them when they are full or hungry. We must trust them. Furthermore, it is not necessary to force more food into baby's mouth. It is OK if they are done eating before they clear their plate. You can simply say and sign "All Done," and remove the food. Similarly, it's great if babies are exploring food (picking up, setting down, rubbing between fingers, putting it in and out of the mouth, etc.), but if they begin to play with food (throw it, smear it, pound it, give it to the dog, etc.) you can say "It looks like you're ready to play. We're all done eating." Then you wait until your next allocated meal to serve food. If baby is hungry between those times, continue with your nursing/formula routine. We also want to ensure the eating environment is child-led. This means the child is in charge of putting their own food in their bodies. There are a lot of ways this style of eating is possible. Puree v. BLWWhile it is wonderful to expose babies to a variety of tastes and textures, some families feel purees is most suited for their needs or goals. In this environment, consider pre-loading a spoon with the mixture and giving it to baby. The child can work to put it in their own mouths. Additionally, avoid purees that dilute the flavor of vegetables with fruit. If you are interested in baby led weaning, consider reading the book to help you get started. Generally, you can begin with strips of food and have them roasted. As babies begin to get more used to eating, you can mix food together, chop less, and offer more meals throughout the day. With BLW, you can include a variety of spices, flavors, and textures. Avoid added salt, sugar, or honey. Montessori v. High ChairIn the Montessori approach, baby is sitting in their own child-sized seat, at their own child-sized table, and they are using a utensils and plates. The reason Montessori proponents advocate for this style of eating is because, according to Pebblecreek Montessori, "It offers the child independence and encourages their participation in the process of eating." You can typically find child sized tables and chairs at thrift store. Here is an example of what to look for.
You can still be child-directed while using a high chair! High chairs are very convenient, and they allow the child to be at the family table. According to Danaye Barahona at Simple Families, once the child turns one, it is best to have a high chair that the child can get in and out of themselves. Additionally, their legs should be at a 90 degree bend when they are sitting. This ensures maximum comfort which promotes a more peaceful mealtime. Most high chairs have adjustable bottoms for children to use for climbing. Here is an example of one. I hope this gives you some food for thought as you venture into feeding baby! Please note that this post contains affiliate links to amazon in which I make a small commission, at no cost to you, for qualifying purchases. This week we heard a presentation by women's health Physical Therapist Dr. Talia Kramer. She shared some information about the pelvic floor, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding. Here are some of the key takeaways.
Thanks everyone! Our discussion focused on the Search Institute's extensive national study on American Family Assets (2012). This comprehensive study included over 1500 families from diverse backgrounds to mirror an accurate sample of American families. Families who strive for the 5 elements found in their study are more likely to
5 elements & subelementsThe 5 elements found in their research were:
connection to infantsIn our class, we brainstormed some ways to employ these elements with young infants in our home. Nurturing Relationships
Establishing Routines
Maintaining Expectations
Adapting to Challenges
Connecting to Community
At homeI encourage you to talk more with your partners / coparenting teams about how these different elements can play out in your home. How can you all come together to create a strong family that relates to your goals and values?
Thank you so much for being part of our Richfield First Time Parents of Infants community. I am so glad you've decided to join us, and I am looking forward to a wonderful semester of learning and connection with all of you. About MeMy name is Emily, and I am your Parent Educator for this class! I love working with families to develop connections among you all and to provide you with a space to explore different topics that arise in the world of caring for children. My classes are very discussion based so I will be guiding you through different topics through conversation and prompts. I use this website as a space to cement conversation from the previous week, give you a way to share information with your coparenting team, and prepare you for what's coming next. I am also always available via email so do not hesitate to ask questions or send me thoughts when they come to you. Layout of the Class1:00 - 1:20 Table & Floor activities 1:20 - 1:30 Baby circle time 1:30 - 1:45 Joys & Concerns 1:45-3:00 Parent Education / baby free play Overview of the SemesterJanuary: The Family February: Self Care March: Observation April: Parenting in Different Cultures May: Looking ahead - summer & ones Dates of No Class
Class Norms & Expectations
I'm looking forward to a great semester!
-Emily In our last class, we looked forward into our kid's lives and discussed upcoming growth. Discussion QuotesCh. 28 Adapting to New Development p. 123
Class DiscussionsDuring our discussion, we had a great dialogue about balancing the mental load of parenting and about sleep. Here are a couple resources and thoughts to expand on those ideas. The Mental LoadThe mental load is the weight that American parents, typically mothers, feel when it comes to raising kids and balancing every day life. We are expected to manage a lot: perfect children, an insta-worthy home, a job, a social life, and a romantic life. The transition to having kids throws us for a loop. It's extremely hard to find the right balance. The best parents are not the ones who sacrifice the most for their kids. The best parents are the ones who seek the balance. Sure we love our children and we are in awe of their uniqueness, but they are only one part of our picture. It is not your job to get your kids into IVY league school. That is their job. So trust them to do their work so you can do your own. It's OK to say "I'll be there in a couple minutes after I finish this" to a crying baby. It's OK to get a babysitter so you can leave, do work, meet with friends, or go on a date. It's hard at first, but it is necessary to finding balance. This balance is what will make you shine as a parent and, most importantly, as a person. SleepSpeaking of shine, we can hardly function let a lone sparkle if we're exhausted. Yet we are bombarded with the "right" and "wrong" ways to handle a the sleep situation. Here are a couple resources for you to check out to help you on your path:
Our job is to listen to them but not assume anything. If you simply wait a few minutes before tending, you can start to observe the differences in their needs. Perhaps you'll see that they cry for 5 minutes then go back to bed - they just needing to readjust. Or, perhaps you'll see the crying escalating and you'll know they need some attention like patting or shushing. I hope this information was helpful for you in starting to navigate some of the intricacies we discussed in class. In addition to the information we read in Magda Gerber's book, we discussed a few tenants for appropriate discipline. Disciplining by Ageconnect & redirect Strategy: When baby goes toward something unsafe or not for them, you gently connect with your baby "Outlets are unsafe for you" and you redirect "your toys are over here" Another example: If baby bites while nursing, you make eye contact and say "ow! that hurts me. I am going to break the latch and we can try again" Age: birth onwards Resource:
Natural Consequences Strategy: Natural consequences teach children by result of the normal way of things. When it is safe, you do not intervene and allow the world to teach your child. Example: If your child protest about wearing a coat to go outside so she doesn't wear a coat outside. The world shows her it's cold. You can perhaps bring a coat. Age: 1 or 2 onward Resource: Natural & Logical consequences UMN Logical Consequences Strategy: The parent or caregiver intervenes with a consequence that makes sense given the action. You might use this when the natural consequence is inappropriate, unsafe, or not effective. Example: You ask child to clean up toys. Child doesn't clean up toys. You put the toys away in storage noting that they are showing you they can't take care of their belongings. Another example: Your child hits another kid at school; you have the child write an apology letter to the other kid. Age: 1 or 2 onward Privilege Removal Strategy: You remove their ability to engage with something they like as a result of their behavior.
Example: If you don't clean up your room, you will lose screen time privileges today. Ages: 4+ Ch. 24 Discipline: Clarifying the Goal
Ch. 25 "House Rules"
Ch. 26 Praise or Acknowledgment
Ch. 15 Learning to ObserveDiscussion Quotes:
Ch. 16 ...and WAIT!Discussion Quotes:
Ch.22 Choosing Play Objects
Ch. 23 Outdoor Living
Resources
Please note that this post contains affiliate links and any sales made through such links will reward me a small commission - at no cost for you. For more information, click here. Diapering (p.79-82)Quotes discussed in class: A baby gets diapered six or seven thousand times p. 79 “The outcome of this style of diapering is that it frequently becomes mechanical and depersonalized for efficiency’s sake. The infant also may receive several negative messages, such as: that caring for the body and the body’s processes are offensive, or that care activities are not enjoyable times together” (p. 80). Feeding (p.83-90)Quotes discussed in class: “A baby who has gotten into the habit of constant snacks may never experience real hunger nor real satiation and may develop a constant pseudo-need to suck and a continuous appetite for food” (p. 84) “I prefer babies to be fed in their parents’ or carers’ laps until they have matured enough to sit securely and to get in and out of their size-appropriate stool, bench, or chairs by themselves” (p. 87) “Food should not be used as bribery or a reward. For instance, giving a baby a bottle so he will go to sleep confuses two of the most important primary needs” (p. 89) Sleeping (p. 91-96)Quotes discussed in class: “Unfortunately, in our busy society too few infants are given the opportunity to follow a natural, predictable daily routine. Often infants must adapt to the schedules of other members of the family. That means infants are not allowed to follow their biological clocks” (p. 91) “Waking up in a crib with no memory of having been put there can be disorienting and scary” (p. 93) “Remember, nobody can make another person fall asleep. How to relax and let sleep come is a skill your child, like everybody else, must learn all by herself” (94). Take AwayMagda believes that these care giving habits are the perfect time to connect with your child in a meaningful way. She calls it educaring. We care while we educate and educate while we care. For example, when diapering, treating an infant with respect would mean including them in the process by telling them what you are doing, what your expectations are, and bringing them into the changing process when you can. More Resources & Reading
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Emily BarstadParent Educator Archives
March 2020
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